Nation's Turkeys Now Require Hazmat Certification To Consume, Government Reminds Americans On Thanksgiving Morning

WASHINGTON—In what officials are calling "a perfectly normal Thanksgiving advisory released at a completely normal time," the federal government issued guidance Thursday morning reminding Americans that wild turkeys in 17 states should not be consumed due to PFAS contamination levels that would make a Superfund site blush.

"Advisory" is, of course, government-speak for "we poisoned your dinner decades ago but just got around to mentioning it on Thanksgiving morning," explained Dr. Helena Struthers, director of the CDC's Division of Unfortunate Timing. "We find that releasing bad news when everyone is elbow-deep in stuffing really helps with population groundswell mitigation."

The advisory comes just weeks after a landmark study published in Environmental Health Perspectives found that PFAS contamination in drinking water alone is responsible for approximately 6,800 cancer cases annually in the United States. The study has since been flagged for "additional review" after the American Chemistry Council expressed what insiders describe as "very expensive concerns."

Perhaps most remarkably, the study's authors themselves acknowledged their findings represent a significant undercount. The research covered only 1,080 counties—approximately half of the U.S. population—and explicitly noted that "areas with the most severe contamination, such as Michigan, were underrepresented." In other words, they studied PFAS mortality the same way one might study drowning deaths by counting only swimming pools while ignoring oceans, lakes, bathtubs, and rain.

The full scope of PFAS exposure extends far beyond drinking water. According to research, Americans absorb forever chemicals through food, air, household dust, cookware, carpets, clothing, cosmetics, food packaging, and—in findings that will comfort no one—beer. The cancer study measured precisely one of these sources. In half the country. Missing the worst areas.

"The study found 6,800 cancer deaths per year," explained toxicologist Dr. Raymond Kessler. "The retraction will find zero cancer deaths per year. That's science."

The contamination represents the culmination of what historians are calling "the most ambitious Rube Goldberg machine of consequences in American history." The chain of events begins in the 1800s, when colonizers banned Indigenous fire management practices that had maintained healthy forests for 10,000 years. One hundred years of fire suppression later, the resulting fuel buildup combined with climate change to produce the megafires now burning 10 million acres annually.

Those fires burn through communities built with PFAS-laden products. Firefighters respond wearing PFAS-coated gear, spraying PFAS-based foam, breathing smoke from burning PFAS carpets. The chemicals then contaminate soil and groundwater, where they are absorbed by wildlife—including the turkeys Americans were planning to eat today.

The firefighter exposure is particularly grim. Studies indicate that 90% of line-of-duty firefighter deaths are now attributable to cancer. "They're poisoned by the gear they wear, the foam they spray, and the smoke from your PFAS-laden carpets," explained Dr. Kessler. "Happy Thanksgiving."

California has banned PFAS foam. The PFAS from the previous 70 years of foam will be ready for comment in approximately the year 3024.

Meanwhile, the "Do not eat" advisory now covers 17 states—still fewer than the number of states that have banned books this year. Remediation efforts are expected to take "decades," according to the EPA, using a definition of "decades" that means "longer than anyone currently alive will be around to complain about it."

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the American Chemistry Council released a statement reading: "The science is still evolving, and we believe additional study is needed before drawing conclusions that might affect quarterly earnings—sorry, public health decisions." The statement was later amended to remove the phrase "quarterly earnings" and replace it with "the wellbeing of American families."

The study being reviewed found PFAS associated with cancers of the mouth, throat, digestive system, respiratory system, endocrine system, urinary system, brain, leukemia, and soft tissue. It could not, however, replicate findings from other studies linking PFAS to kidney and testicular cancers. The researchers attributed this discrepancy to having missed the most contaminated areas. The undercount, it appears, has an undercount.

"Retracting the study doesn't un-poison the water," observed Dr. Struthers. "But it does un-poison the quarterly earnings call."

As of press time, 98% of Americans were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with PFAS in their blood, contaminated turkey on the table, and a glass of beer that laboratory analysis would classify as "concerning." The government has advised citizens to "enjoy the holiday with family" and to direct any health-related questions to the newly established hotline, which plays 45 minutes of hold music before disconnecting.

The turkey was unavailable for comment.